You don’t hate conflict. You hate what conflict used to cost you.

That's because growing up conflict didn't mean a simple disagreement, it meant consequences. It was what happened after you disagreed that actually hurt you. 

In unhealthy families, you're expected to agree & keep the peace or your parent makes you feel like you've done something wrong. They create a moral obligation to keep them happy by doing what they want and agreeing with them. When you don't... you are made to feel like you are "bad."

If you've ever felt guilty or ashamed after disagreeing or saying "No" to someone, this is the aftermath of being treated this way as a child. Somewhere along the way, being "good" became synonymous with keeping your parent emotionally okay & it became a requirement for keeping your relationships in tact.

You know the feeling when you disagreed or pushed back on something that felt unfair and all of the sudden...

You feel selfish. You feel ungrateful. Your anxiety kicks up & you begin to replay everything over and over again in your head. You probably even have "fake" conversations trying to find some type of resolution. Your parent suddenly stops talking to you. You're called names or mocked. You're talked about in the family. Your parent pulls back from you.

THESE ARE THE CONSEQUENCES YOUR BODY IS AFRAID OF.

It's not that you don't have an opinion. You do. 

You probably even find it easy to stand up for other people because their conflict doesn't threaten you. You learned that if you don't keep the peace, you risk someone withdrawing from you. You learned as a child that saying "yes" was how you stayed connected to people. 

It's more than just "earning" love. It's that relationship will change if I say "no."

And when you try to set the boundaries or express yourself (finally,) you probably start over-explaining because some part of you still wants to prove they are "good."

This is different than "good enough."

Which is why "earning love" may not always land for you. 

You learned that being misunderstood means you no longer "belong" or are "loved" in the same way. You learned that you had to choose peace (which equals connection) over choosing yourself (which equals disconnection.)

No one like losing people, especially family.

(If you're practicing saying "No" you can use the list I shared here)

If you are feeling the fear of conflict & saying "No" because it's had consequences in the past, here is what you can do:

1. Recognize it's going to feel unhealthy at first. Being uncomfortable is normal and learning to sit with other people being uncomfortable is a practice you learn by sitting with it and not rushing to fix things. 
2. Remind yourself that someone being upset doesn't always mean something bad is going to happen or that you are a bad person. Conflict is normal & can be healthy.
3.  Fight the urge to over-explain. Boil things down to the simplicity of what you want to say "I can't come because there is something else I would like to do that day."

4. Stop measuring whether your boundary was "right" by the other person's reaction. This is a big one. If you grew up believing someone's disappointment meant you'd done something wrong, you're going to instinctively look at their reaction to decide whether you're allowed to feel okay about your decision. Someone can be disappointed, annoyed or disagree with you and your decision can still be okay.

5. Don't rush in to repair something that isn't actually broken. Notice the urge to send the second text. To check if they're mad. To offer something else. To make a joke. To apologize. To explain yourself one more time. Sometimes there isn't anything to repair. There are simply two people who want different things.

6. Let people misunderstand you. This one can feel brutal when being misunderstood used to mean losing your place in the family. You don't have to convince everyone that your intentions are good before you're allowed to make a decision they don't like. 

7. Pay attention to what happens AFTER you say no. This is where the old pattern usually gets loud. Maybe your chest tightens. You keep checking your phone. You start building an argument in your head for why you're not selfish. Instead of immediately doing something to make the feeling go away, notice it: I'm expecting a consequence right now.

Then give your body a chance to experience something different. You said no. Someone might not like it but you're still here. You didn't lose yourself trying to get them to understand.

The goal is not to be someone who likes conflict. The goal is to be ok when conflict happens and not expect your relationships to fall apart. 

You can let someone be unhappy with you without becoming unhappy with yourself. You shouldn't have to choose between keeping a relationship and doing what's best for you.

If you know how to set a boundary but still feel the guilt, anxiety or fear of what will happen after you set it, this is exactly the kind of work I do with clients in 1:1 coaching.

We work on more than what to say. We work with the patterns underneath it—the part of you that still expects conflict to end in punishment, withdrawal or losing the relationship & make it safe to try something new, safe to show up differently.

If you're ready to work on this together, you can learn more about 1:1 Somatic Experiencing & Trauma Coaching here.