As children, we naturally need connection with our parents.

We want the kind words, the trust in knowing they are there, to be supported and comforted & to be unconditionally loved by them.

It's how we know we're safe & that we have someone to rely on in the world when it feels so big or overwhelming to us.

Sometimes we get this type of parent.

And sometimes we don't.

If you didn't get this type of parenting, your childhood can feel traumatic, stressful or painful & the impact can create Childhood Wounds that turn into coping mechanisms, beliefs, survival patterns & holding onto the emotional pain because we can't seem to understand WHY we were treated this way or went through these things.

There are 4 major Childhood Wounds that can shape you & you can carry them your entire life, if you aren't aware of them and how they can show up in your life. 

(as a side note... just because an experience may not be as "bad" as someone else's or didn't impact another in the way it impacted you, doesn't mean it wasn't traumatic for you. Trauma is just anything that puts you in a state of distress & takes you away from your own sense of safety and self)

#1 The Wound of Abandonment

This is the wound that happens when our caretakers or family is not present either emotionally, physically or mentally. As a child, we thrive on connection and are constantly tuning into our parents and family to make sure they are ok and present because when they are, we feel like we are ok & safe.

But when you have a caretaker who leaves, dies or doesn't show up for you and your needs, you can feel abandoned. Even if a caretaker leaves and comes back... you can still carry that wound. As a child, it starts to make you question WHY they abandoned you and if something is wrong with you... "Was I not lovable? Not good enough? What's wrong with me that they wouldn't stay?"

And then you create coping mechanisms to deal with the heartbreak you feel as a child by...

*Building up a wall of not needing people and become hyper-responsible for your own needs... if you don't need anyone, then no one can leave you

*You don't get too close to people and will abandon people or find reasons to end relationships being the one that abandons first

*You become a people pleaser or co-dependent because you feel like if you don't cause problems and make others happy, they won't leave

*But most painful of all... you abandon yourself because that old story of Abandonment taught you that you were deserving of being abandoned and it stopped you from learning how to ask the world and others for what you needed... it stopped YOU from being a priority

Children who grow up with this wound learn how to either not need anyone or to tune in so deeply to other's feelings that they neglect their own needs, but either way, you end up feeling unsupported and lonely because the Wound of Abandonment disrupts your ability to form meaningful and balanced connections with others. 

The key here is to practice asking for what you need. It's learning to listen again to what you need from life and the support or connection you truly want from other people and then ASKING for it. It's learning how to make yourself a priority and advocate for your own needs and remembering that there are people in your life or who will come into your life that WANT to stay and want to support you, even if others in the past were not capable.

#2 The Wound of Betrayal

This wound happens when as a child, your caretaker or someone you feel deeply connected to, betrays your trust by not following through on a promise or fail to take care of a need you have. 

When this happens to you, you can begin to question the safety and trustworthiness of people around you and you may even begin to question yourself. Being a child, you intuitively know you should be able to trust your own gut instinct and when you are betrayed by someone you had faith in, you can turn that doubt inward, questioning yourself even and how you "missed" the signs. 

The coping mechanisms that come from this wound are....

*Deciding to trust no one, sometimes even including yourself and requiring "proof" in order to take anything at face value

*Betraying others or choosing people who will betray you

*A deep sense of self doubt or low self esteem  because you don't even trust yourself

*Difficulty in letting people in and trusting they will do what they say they are going to do & can be trusted at face value

*Wanting control of situations so you can't get hurt

*Constant questioning of yourself & the need for outside validation from others that you are ok, loved or worthy

The key here is to acknowledge the betrayal and how that broke your trust in other people & your sense of safety in life. Letting people in & believing that they won't hurt you is going to take time. Trust is rebuilt through consistency in how someone shows up. You allow them to show up over and over again in healthy & reliable ways, building trust over time. This will give you time to re-train your nervous system to feel safe in being connected to other people without forcing it to believe people are safe when you're own experience proves otherwise.

#3 The Wound of Neglect

This wound happens when you have caretakers who didn't prioritize your needs. This could be physical needs like clothing, safety, food, school etc or your emotional needs like listening to you, comforting you and helping you understand your feelings. 

When we grow up in this type of home, we learn that our needs are not important and that other people's needs should come before our own. We also tend to develop the belief that unless something is absolutely unbearable or broken... we can make do. Essentially, we are made to believe or feel like getting the bare minimum is enough. We can even build an entire identity around struggle and pushing through physically, mentally or emotionally. 

The coping mechanisms that come from this wound are....

*Settling for scraps and/or living in a state of scarcity

*Pushing your body past it's limits and denying it normal comfort and care (because you were never taught how to)

*Neglecting yourself but making others a priority

*Fear of having needs 

*Feeling "weak" or vulnerable to others because you have needs

*A sense of Unworthiness or Guilt for asking for help or support

*Anger or Frustration that builds over time as your needs are constantly denied and pushed down

*Being disconnected from your Intuition and own Inner Guidance

When you are taught to shut down your own needs and override it as a child, you learn to distrust yourself and your intuition. This leads to feeling shut down, numbed out, stuck & unable to move forward later in life because you essentially don't know how to care for yourself or what you need until you begin to open that conversation back up again with your own intuition.  The key here is to start noticing what you need or want and asking for it or taking action to make it happen.

#4 The Wound of Guilt

The wound of Guilt happens when you grow up in a home that is toxic, abusive or neglectful in a way that makes you feel bad about your behavior, your needs or who you inherently are. It can happen when you have parents that blame you for their troubles, take their own pain out on you or make us feel like something is inherently wrong with you as a person. 

When the people we love the most treat us as if WE are the problem, we internalize all of that, assuming they must be right. 

It can then begin to eat away at your self confidence and self worth, making you think that everything that goes wrong in your life or those around you, must be your fault. Because this is so painful to experience, you can then take on the role of "fixer" or "people pleaser" in order to avoid the pain. 

The coping mechanisms that come from this wound are....

*A deep sense of guilt (feeling bad about your behavior and needs)

*A deep sense of shame (feeling bad about who you are as a person)

*Feeling unworthy of good things in life, including... being treated kindly, being loved, abundant or taken care of by others

*Attracted to Narcissist or people who make you feel guilt or bad about who you are

*Using guilt or manipulation on others in an effort to project your own pain

*Allowing others to walk all over you or take advantage of your time, love, resources or energy

*Poor Energetic and Emotional Boundaries because you assume it must be your fault or that you are responsible for other's feelings

Being parented with guilt means that you learned some part of you was "bad" and unlearning that is going to take time. Pay attention to how this guilt has turned into your own inner critic and practice being able to discern between what is simply conditioning in your body to feel guilty versus what is true in the situation. Practice being able to sit with the discomfort and make choices that support your own wellbeing.

Healing these wounds requires us to tune back into that childhood part of ourselves that is hurting or in pain. 

That means we have make time, get quiet & ask ourselves "how is my Inner Child feeling?"

And then we have to listen.

And we have to not judge what we feel or hear. 

Healing the Inner Child is about allowing your childhood self to finally be seen & heard. It's creating a safe space for them to fully own and express their feelings and needs.

And once we've listened and heard what they need, we have to take action on that need, because if we don't, we are creating the same cycle of hurt to ourselves that originally created the wound. 

CHILDHOOD TRAUMA DOESN'T SIMPLY GO AWAY, IT LIVES IN OUR BODY

This is where we carry our emotions and experiences from the past. It's what keeps us feeling unsafe, triggered and wounded... because those emotions and feelings are still living in our beliefs, survival strategies, coping mechanisms and how our nervous system manages fight or flight.

These patterns become who we think we are and how our personality gets shaped but it doesn't give us room to be who we naturally are. It keeps us locked into survival and not fully living. It builds anxiety, feelings of depression, heartache and feelings of being unfulfilled or overwhelmed in life.

If you're tired of always overthinking your trauma and ready dive into deeper nervous system & trauma healing, you can check out the options for Private Coaching. This is real work in a somatic based way that helps you understand your deeper patterns while healing your nervous system in a way that builds safety so the changes you want to make become less scary & more sustainable.

xxxx

Aspen